doidz
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "doidz" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:07 pm
[Link] | will somebody plllleeeeassssee come home and hang out with me???? i'm lacking friends on pei, i miss my friends...please come home soon!
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01:17 pm
[Link] |
i think i've gotten to the bottom of this...
so, it's funny, my facebook "hacker" has been telling people that i am taking economics. one person thinks i am taking economics and i know who that is. ps. chantal did you get your wallet back? and what was the last thing you said to isabelle? she wrote back "are you serious?" and i don't even know what "i" said!
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11:41 am
[Link] | jeff made a point to tell me that he didn't care if i smoked. i think he thought that was a good thing, but to me that means he just doesn't care that much.
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07:26 am
[Link] |
CONCLUSION
Drinking makes Mandy do stupid things and wake up in the morning and go "motherfucker, not again..."
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11:41 am
[Link] |
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in
why would i do that? why would i go to the tractor pulls, and why would i go to emerald? i feel like i'm now back at square one. not over him at all. and he's still so in love with me, now i know. every single feeling was still there when we looked at each other last night. nothing has changed. my head is pounding, i never got to sleep till 6:30 am because of it, it hurt so bad, soooo bad that i just wanted to put a gun to it just so it would stop pounding. i certainly can't be in my house anymore, my brother looks at me like i'm dirt and my father just won't say anything when i know he has stuff to say so i feel even worse cause i know i'm eating away at his insides too. wonderful.
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04:43 pm
[Link] | I feel like i got kicked in the face multiple times. the fact that he believes them, with their FUCKING BULLSHIT stories over me, this person that i thought knew me, that i somehow managed to trust soooo much that even after he never called for 3 and a half weeks i still felt certain that he cared and there were other reasons he couldn't talk to me. but no, he decided that i'm a whore. well, that's not true, he texted me later and said "for the record, you're not a whore" IIIIII KNOW I'M NOT A WHORE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT. it's you who apparently needs some convincing. well you know what, fuck you and all your stupid little friends, i don't care what happens to you anymore. i feel like drinking myself out of this world tonight.
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01:32 pm
[Link] | i wish i could just paste that whole conversation onto here. then maybe you could understand why i'm so upset. paynter thinks, because 4 people told him, that i was having sex with some guy in the washroom at the dance. and he believes them. THAT'S why he hasn't spoken to me in 3 weeks. and now all he could say is we'd better do our separate things and have a good life. NO FUCKING GOODBYE OR I'LL MISS YOU OR I DID LOVE YOU OR ANY SIGN THAT THAT"S HURTING HIM AT ALL, JUST HAVE A GOOD FUCKIN LIFE. all i wanna do right now is throw rocks at his house. GOOD FUCKING BYE ANYONE FROM CRAPAUD I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.
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12:21 am
[Link] | i'm not gonna lie to to ya. i've had 6 or 7 beer tonight. i got home and rick-i had a bunch of friends over, one of whom works with paynter. i think i was actually trying to make it obvious that i'm a mess because i know he'll tell paynter tomorrow and i kinda want him to know that i'm not taking this very well....understatement of the year of course. but anyways, they were talking about these keith's red hats they're giving away when you buy beer, i seen one the other day, some guy was showing me it and they're actually quite nice hats. but joel was telling them that paynter had one on at work the other day and now i wanna go to sleep but i just keep seeing paynter in my head, with a keith's red hat on. and i can't sleep. i need him. i want him. i love him. what the fuck do i do????
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05:39 pm
[Link] | 2 days down, probably about 30 to go before i move. what's the chances i manage to avoid all of them in 30 days?! probably not too good. i had already decided i was gonna allow her one free hit since i do kinda deserve it, until i realised how much she fucked my leg over when she kicked me at the dance. it's developed into a very large and painful bruise and bump. so she gpt her hit in already, if she gets my face i'm pressing charges cause someone's gonna have to teach that girl she can't get away with it all the time and i have got nothing to lose anymore!
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04:41 pm
[Link] | so, he really wanted us to talk about this in person, so i *after some angry hesitations* agreed to meet him last night. i told him i'd rather gauge my eyes out with forks than go to my sister's wedding, he said he'd rather gauge his eyes out with forks than walk away from me. he can't understand why i'm not being nice, he said "haven't you ever stayed friends with an ex before?" i replied "yes, but not THE DAY AFTER". idiot. idiot that i love soooo much, all i wanted to do was hug him and kiss him, he kept trying to and i had to push him off cause that's the right thing to do. but i wanted to sooooo bad. we talked about everything, if it's a relationship i want then i've got it, but things can't keep going the way they are. but i can't do the whole relationship thing right now, i don't even know where i'm gonna be. and i don't wanna drag him down with me. now today he says he never slept at all last night, got out of bed at 2 and drove around for the rest of the night cause he feels like he's living a lie. and he still really wants to see me but it's up to me. i told him i couldn't answer that just yet. what do i do????
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01:08 pm
[Link] | ok, so it's over. it's official. i am taking this worse than i thought i would and now more than ever i am going to need my friends at this wedding. so pleeeeeease come, it will mean the world to me, i need my friends SOOOOOO bad right now. i just had my heart broken.
p.s- anyone who wants to get drunk this week give me a call. i will be in for sure, all i wanna do right now is drink.
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01:35 am
[Link] | I'm shameless, when it comes to loving you. I'll do anything you want me to, I'll do anything at all. And I'm standing here for all the world to see, oh baby that's what's left of me, and you're now very far to fall.
You know now I'm not a man who's ever been insecure about the world i've been living in. I don't break easy, I have my pride, but you keep making me satisfied.
And I'm shameless, honey i don't have a prayer, cause everytime i see you standing there, i go down upon my knees. and i'm changing, i swore i'd never compromise, oh but you convince me otherwise. i'll do anything to please.
you see in all my life, i never found, what i couldn't resist, what i couldn't turn down. i could walk away from anyone i ever knew, but i can't walk away from you...
i have never let anything have this much control over me, i work too hard to call my life my own. and i've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly, but it's your world now, i can't refuse, i've never had so much to lose.
you know it should be easy for a man who's strong, to say he's sorry or admit when he was wrong. i never lost anything i ever missed, but I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE LIKE THIS
and i'm shameless, cause I DON'T HAVE THE POWER NOW, and i DON'T WANT IT ANYHOW it, so i gotta let it go. i'm shameless, shameless as a man can be, you can make a total fool of me, i just wanted you to know. that i'm shameless.
those are the lyrics to the song i was singing at my house months ago while he was there. i knew who i was singing about. he remembers it. he remembers everything. and now it's his favorite song.
i'm so used to guys who fall at my feet and give me everything i want and don't try to change me, and he doesn't do that, he's trying to get me to quit smoking and he makes me say words that don't come easily and he tells me when i'm being retarded. and yet i feel like i've never been loved this much, to the extent that he makes me cry cause i don't feel like i'm good enough for him and i feel like he's too good to me.
he has perfect timing with everything. i wanted to tell him about janine, i don't know why i just felt talking about her today, but i wasn't just gonna bring it up randomly. and then right out of nowhere he asks me about the girl who stayed with us 6 years ago who had the adorable little girl. what the hell?!
i was also trying on my sister's veil and rings today for her wedding and thinking about how pretty they were and how much fun it would be to get married and he was the guy who kept coming to mind. then tonight, after i have a random freak out and refuse to explain to him why, he tells me he wishes i was older cause he's pretty near ready to marry me. i hate to say it, but i don't thing age is the obstacle here! but for him to say that, and really mean it, when i'm being a total headcase, he's absolutely unbelievable. and i just wish i could give him the love he needs, but i have hundreds of defenses to break down in order for that to happen. he's already gotten through quite a few of them though.
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05:46 pm
[Link] | maybe two months in alberta is just the right amount of time for us to figure out if what we're about to do is really worth it...are all of these feelings real or will they fade over time? we both have a lot to lose so we better know for sure...
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04:36 pm
[Link] | well, there's no turning back now. it's all been said. everything is out in the open, i don't know how i managed that because i'm usually pretty bad at expressing myself when it comes to serious things like *love* but somehow i managed. i guess it's because he says everything he thinks and doesn't understand that i can't so i had to try. now i just have to figure out what to do with all of the words he gave me last night. my stomach has been in knots all day, i'm restless and antsy and i just don't know what to do with myself. my sister gets married two weeks from today and by then i need to know where i'm gonna live and how i'm gonna manage it. i need more time...
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04:42 pm
[Link] | so the harder we try to work backwards and act like we don't care and we're just having fun, the more obvious it becomes that we care waaaaaaaaaay too much. and no one's having fun anymore.
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10:58 pm
[Link] | "well, this obviously isn't working the way it's going. so what do you want to do? do you want a relationship with me? you just have to tell me what you want cause i need to know what to do."
A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP? god i hate that word. and how the fuck does he expect me to answer that when i don't know where i'll be living, where i'll be working, or what i'll be driving in about a month's time? i can't make any more decisions right now. his life is stable, how could i jeopardize it like that? why did things have to get so complicated all of a sudden??
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04:16 pm
[Link] | so i guess it's over. it was nice while it lasted anyway, and my prediction that i would be the one to get hurt was dead-on.
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08:23 am
[Link] | You hold all the power in this and you don't even seem to care. I don't know whether you don't realise it or you just don't care, but you can pretty much make me do anything at this point but for some reason all you do is act submissive. Those are a couple of firsts for me.
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11:57 pm
[Link] | well, it's official. my father has quit his job, and straight after bev's wedding they are moving to alberta. daddy loses his farm and truck, who knows what's gonna happen to the dog, house will probably be sold. which means a) mandy is going to alberta for school next year or b) mandy is out of a place to live and a vehicle as of mid-june.
what the hell do i do?
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09:42 pm
[Link] | I've never missed anyone this much. i'm literally counting the days, everyday i'm like, "one more down, six more to go". this is RIDICULOUS. it's probably for the best that he's gone though, cause it's giving my head time to convince myself to put an end to this.
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